Tired Fear

Howie has a great smile and giggle!

Howie has been home for almost three months now, and he is doing amazingly well. He is doing so well, in fact, that it is easy to forget where he came from. He is smiley and happy. He plays wonderfully with his siblings, he loves to eat, he is healthy and energetic, and sometimes mischievous. As we move throughout our busy days, it is easy to forget the place where he spent the first three years of his life.

In the evenings though, we remember. At the sound of the word "bedtime", Howie runs to me and wraps his little arms tightly around my legs. When I pick him up, he presses his sweet cheek to my face, and wraps his arms around my neck and his legs around my waist. In his eyes is fear. It is the only time of day he shows it, but almost every night, I see it and remember the great losses he has faced and the fear he must have of losing again.  

We sing the same song every night as we say goodnight, and he sings it softly with me. I whisper that I will see him in the morning. Then, as he lays down in bed, he wraps his little arms around my hands so I won't leave. He looks up at me with this fearful look, that seems to say, "Will you still be here in the morning?" And, so, we sing another song or two and talk about all the people who love him and that our family is forever. Eventually he relaxes, and I know I can go when he lets go of my hands so he can put his thumb in his mouth and cuddle his bear. He is at peace again. 

I find lately that I relate deeply to my Howie. Our life is tumultuous right now. Tumultuous and busy. So busy. Everyday I hit the ground running and move constantly until everyone is asleep at night. An impending move, a husband who has already moved away, all the details to get squared away to get us out of Tampa and to Raleigh, and the hustle of keeping up with my six little loves and all the daily tasks of keeping them fed, clothed, clean, and happy combine to make one very busy momma. 

Then, there are a couple of hours between their bedtime and mine and the quiet allows for emotion that the busyness of the day does not. It is so easy to push fear and sadness aside during the day. But, as fatigue sets in and evening settles into night, I find all my anxiety and sadness and fear heighten. 

I find myself reciting the psalm, "In peace, I will both lie down and sleep, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." (Psalm 4:8). It has become what Howie's songs are for him: just a little routine to help me remember to relax, be at peace, my Lord will still be here in the morning, guiding me throughout the day and helping me shoulder the load when it gets to be too much.

Every morning, my bubbly boy runs to find me. He greets me with a hug and a huge smile. He is so happy to see me and is ready to start a new day of play and adventure. And this is what I hope to emulate in him. May I jump up and run to God every morning, happy He is here with me, and joyful to start a new day of adventure.  May I sleep in peace knowing He is in control and may I wake happy to be of service and blessed to enjoy this sweet life He has given me.