1 Year Anniversary: Part 1

Growing up, and even into early adulthood, I never thought about or dwelled on anything that was sad, or difficult, or maddening, or hard. That is just not what my family does. We push through and move on. The hard stuff is never talked about again. Then I met Robert. His family talks about everything.  And when I say talk, I mean beat it to death. Or that is what it feels like to me.

Robert and I have been married now for over 12 years, and so I have had to learn to talk. And fight. And discuss. The happy things and the sad things. The hard things and the easy things. Sometimes I still have to fight the shut down response to anything emotionally negative. It is hard to change.

And, so, as I look at our year anniversary with Laura on the calendar, my personality and tendency is to say: What a fantastic year! Everything has been so fun! She is doing so great! These things are very true. She is doing great. Better than great, really. It has been a fantastic year. And we have had so much fun.

Laura just a few minutes after I met her. October 19, 2015

But, in order to really appreciate just how wonderfully she is doing and the amazing year we have had, I think it is necessary to look back at the hard. And, so, I have purposefully gone back to memories of the hard this week.

I went back to China. Just a few hours into being Laura's Mommy; I had never felt so alone. I was sitting in my hotel room with a baby who I had just met. Who was 10 pounds thinner than I had been told she was. And she was refusing to eat. She screamed every time I tried to give her the bottle. She didn't know me. I looked so different from anyone she had ever met. I smelled different. I spoke differently.


I went back to palate surgery day and the two weeks of torture that followed. Every moment was hard in those weeks. She was in pain. She stopped trusting me. She retreated inside herself.

Post-surgery.

I went back to just last week when fear overtook my heart and I wondered, will she ever speak? What will we do if she never speaks?

As I looked back at the hard, with all the experience of the present, in each moment I saw something beautiful. In each moment I saw God reach down and put before me the exact encouragement I needed to push through. He has been so gracious to me through this year. Truly He has walked through the fires and rivers with me so that they would not overwhelm me (Isaiah 43:2). Truly He has made beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:3).

In that moment in China, I reached into my suitcase and grabbed a nutrigrain bar. Maybe she would eat this. I handed it to her and she had no idea what to do with it. She had never been given solid food. I put a tiny taste on her lips and received a big smile. Her eyes met mine and she opened her mouth for more. She still wouldn't let me give her a bottle, but she let me feed her that cereal bar. She watched me closely the whole time and her tiny self consumed that whole bar.

In the hospital after her surgery, as she screamed and fought against the morphine, the surgeon and the nurse stood watching as I tried to soothe my baby. Then the nurse said, "She is a fighter, isn't she?" And I cried. Knowing I was so thankful that she was a fighter. I was so thankful her fighting spirit got her through her year and a half in an orphanage that didn't feed her. As the tears rolled, the nurse then said to the doctor, "I think she is also the most amazing mom I have ever seen." And the doctor said, "I agree." Of course that was just to make me feel better and we all knew it. But, it did make me feel better and their confidence in us (Laura and me), gave me confidence to advocate and care for my Laura even when she didn't want me caring for her.

And, today, as I sat on the couch in a rare quiet moment with just Laura and me, I started practicing the "m" sound with her. Back and forth, we'd make the "mmmm" sound together. Then, in a soft little whisper, she looked at me and said "Mama" for the first time.

Even the hard is good in the end.

Robert and Laura: Daddy's girl

Laura really is doing wonderfully. She has grown into a healthy little 2 year old. She loves toys with buttons, stacking blocks, and trains. She carries two flannel blankets around when she is tired. She starts every morning with cold milk. And you don't want to mess with that milk routine. She loves playing outside and riding her scooter. She loves to be held by both Mommy and Daddy. Daddy is her favorite and she runs to see him when she hears the door opening in the evening.

And we do have fun. There are too many happy moments to list. Everyday is fun with this bunch. We are blessed beyond measure.

My sweet crew shopping for new books.