Emmaline's One Year Home Video

https://animoto.com/play/iNJvJ796F4u0p0R4WlhaPQ

Reflections on the Flight Home

About a year after we came home, my niece was playing with Emmaline and asking me questions about our time in Sofia. I was telling her all about street pizza and flower shops. The trolley and cobbled streets. Then she asked, “how long did it take you to get home?” 28 hours. She was silent for a moment, thoughtfully watching Emmaline. Then, “how did you do that? I can’t imagine doing that.” “I’ll tell you how. Jesus sat next to me.” She looked at me as if I was joking. But, that is pretty close to the truth. We rose at o’dark thirty to get to the Sofia airport for a 6:30 am departure to Vienna. We flew during the pandemic, requiring Covid testing to fly home. We had successful brain swabs (negative tests); however, the printed test results had our names misspelled and our birthdates wrong. An auspicious beginning. Our agency helped us get it sorted and by 3:00 a.m., when we headed to the airport, we had corrected results in hand. Emmaline was still only eating Bulgarian yogurt at the time. Occasionally I could sneak in mashed bananas or graham cracker crumbs. We bought baby food, emptied the jars, cleaned them, and then filled them with yogurt. An insulated Lidl bag kept them cool. Thankfully, security did not check to see if the jars will still sealed and we got through to the gates. The actual flights to Vienna and then across the Atlantic were uneventful. On time. Sparse airports (thanks to Covid.) The biggest issue was Emmaline did not sleep at all. Not a wink. As we boarded for the long flight from Vienna to Washington D.C., I was fatigued. The long two weeks of the pickup trip weighed on my shoulders. Emmaline’s obvious distress and trauma grieved my heart. I missed my children at home. Surely we would nap on this flight and the world would be brighter after some sleep. A few hours into the flight, exhaustion set in. The little airplane on the screen in front of me seemed to be barely crawling across the ocean. Immigration loomed ahead in D.C. Then another flight to Atlanta, a bus ride to our van, and a battle with traffic to get home. I needed help. I whispered an exhausted prayer. God is so faithful. Just when I am at the end of myself, He fills me, and He did not fail me during our trip home. His Spirit ministered to me during that long flight, through the line to immigration, through another security check, and onto our final flight. He didn’t give me sleep. But He gave me His presence, an almost palpable presence that not only got me through, but got us all through the trip with kindness, grace, and never-ending patience that was most definitely Him, not me. I am constantly thankful and humbled that the same God who put the planets and stars in their places, cares deeply enough about His children to meet them in their need and answer their cries for help. He asks us to follow Him into hard things, to be His hands and feet in this world, but He never leaves us to do it alone. He is with us, sitting next to us, walking beside us, lifting exhausted spirits. And, so, we made it home. 28 hours after we left Bulgaria, we drove into our driveway and saw the faces we had been missing so much. Our life as a family of 9 began.

Flowers, Medical Appointment, and Coffee (Monday April 19)

 On every street we wandered, there were these darling flower shops. Gorgeous, colorful blooms spilling out onto the street and lovely little vases and trinkets in the windows. I love them. I must have taken half a dozen photos of different flower shops we passed. In addition to the flower shops, there were also flower road side stands. Right next to the newspaper stand were buckets of tulips. After a few days, I began to wonder, how on earth do all these flower shops stay in business? Some of the little shops were in pretty prime real estate. Who is buying all these flowers? So, when our guide, Simon, came to pick us up for Emmaline's medical appointment on Monday, we asked. 

"How do all the flower shops stay in business?" He looked at us with such a confused expression on his face. "We buy the flowers," he replied. Robert was equally confused, "How often?" "Everyday...we buy the flowers and take them home and have flowers on our tables. How often do you bring flowers home?" Robert looked a little sheepish when he replied, "Maybe once a year." Simon was shocked. "You should do better my friend. Your life needs more romance." Maybe he's right. Maybe we need more fresh flowers in our life. They certainly were beautiful. 

Monday brought Emmaline's medical appointment. She had to get a blood draw for her TB test in order to gain entry to the United States. She also saw a doctor who looked her over and translated her vaccination card for us. It was a long morning, full of tears. The reward at the end was Starbucks for everyone. We had a Starbucks just about a block and a half away from our hotel and were pleasantly surprised to see the inside cafe allowed us to sit and enjoy our treats. Even Emmaline got an overpriced milkshake (minus the coffee, of course.) 

New Friends (Saturday April 17 and Sunday April 18)

 My parents' church hosts a "Missions Week" every year and my parents always love it. Usually missionaries come to visit and talk about their work and my parents delight in hosting them in their home during their stay. This year, because of Covid and the inability for most to travel, Missions Week was virtual, with many online videos and updates. Missions Week was a few months before we traveled to Bulgaria. My mom called me one day during the week to tell me she "met" someone I just had to meet. She had watched a video update of the mission team in Bulgaria and heard about a family there who she thought would be so great for us to get to know. 

We were thrilled to get the opportunity to meet the Buerger family on Saturday. Their family adopted a little girl from Bulgaria and then felt called to serve in Sofia as full time missionaries. We were privileged to be invited to share coffee and treats in their lovely home. There is something beautiful about people coming together who already have a shared faith and shared passions. Although we had never spoken before, the afternoon flew by with sweet conversation and laughter as their daughter and Emmaline played happily and we chatted about a million different things. 

As we walked back to our room that evening, we started praying for how we might be of service in Bulgaria. My deepest prayer, now even weeks later, is that we would have an open ear to God's voice and brave hearts to say yes to whatever He asks of us. 

For more information on The Buerger family's ministry: https://www.mtw.org/missionaries/details/buerger-john-ellen

Homesick and Its Cure (Thursday April 15 and Friday April 16)

Have you ever reflected on how different the Gospel of John reads in comparison to the first three gospels? It's my favorite. I have so many favorite passages in John that many of my pages are worn out from use. His gospel reads in a more reflective tone. There is theology mixed with the retelling of events. So many times he adds, "it was because of ... that this happened" or "He said this because..." John was writing late in life, years after he walked side by side with Jesus. I assume the passage of time made Him understand events even more. 

I did a terrible job blogging while I was in Sofia. I don't know what it was...but I did not pick up the computer very often. I fell in love with Bulgaria and my daughter, but I didn't capture those events here. I was blogging for Emmaline. I kept my journal this way for both Laura and Howie and then printed it for them to read later in life if they are curious what their crazy mama was thinking during their adoption process...and to allow them to see the marvelous ways the Lord worked to bring them into our family. I want the same things for Emmaline, and so I'm going to play catch up. But, now we are home, and she is so different than she was...her blog will read so much differently than the in the moment thoughts of her sister and brother. Who knows, maybe this one will end up being my favorite. I will never be John and my words certainly don't even have a fragment of the importance of His...but maybe the passage of time will deepen this little journal I'm making for my girl. 

Thursday April 15 brought deep homesickness for both Robert and me. We grieved for our children and did not love Sofia enough to want to stay another 10 days. Emmaline was improving but it was still hard and we just missed home and our kids so much we could hardly speak of anything else. We tried to get an earlier flight out, we tried to rearrange appointments, all in vain. In the end, our wonderful adoption agency rescued us. I mentioned when they checked in that I thought we should get out of the city and they helped us find a driver to get us to Rila Monastery the next day. 

The next morning we drove for about 2 hours up into the mountains to Rila Monastery, a UNESCO World Heritage site. It was exactly what our souls needed. Our driver, Dimitriv, was jovial and friendly. Robert sat in the front with him chatting about cars, family, church, and Dimitriv's dream to drive across the United States. He told us the history of things we passed and drove us up these gorgeous narrow mountain roads. I stared out the window admiring the country, wondering about the people in the villages we passed. 

We wandered around and through the monastery for another couple of hours. The monasteries preserved and protected Christians and the Christian faith during times of Muslim (during the Ottoman reign) and Communist persecution and suppression. The monastery and surrounding mountainside is absolutely gorgeous. The restaurant was closed and we were all hungry. Dimitriv took us to a local hole in the wall type restaurant that was the best food we had the entire trip. Robert tried Bulgaria's famous Rakia. (Robert said it made him feel "tingly all over" and Dimitriv replied to never drink homemade Rakia, because "it will kill you.") I passed on that experience. 

Something about the time in the country, and the conversation during the day, revived us for the rest of our trip. Although we liked Sofia and Bulgaria up to that point, I mark the day we visited Rila as the day we started falling in love. The next day (Saturday), we started talking about coming back forever. That was the turning point. The Lord said...look at all I have made, open your eyes to the people who need Me here. And, we looked, we saw. He changed our homesick hearts and made us know home is wherever He puts us. 

Walking Sofia (Wednesday April 13)

 Sofia is a beautiful city. Wednesday we set out to wander the city and take in all the amazing architecture and lovely city parks. We bundled Emmaline up in her new stroller after breakfast and walked a few miles, visiting many of the city's old churches. 

After our long walk, Emmaline let us know that she was ready for more yogurt! We stopped at a grocery store on the way home for essentials: yogurt, yogurt, yogurt, and bottled water. Emmaline picked out some graham crackers as well. 

We had lunch and naps in our room, followed by a laid back afternoon of playing together and walking down Vitosha Street for take-out dinner. 

Emmaline is blossoming more everyday we are with her. It's such fun getting to know our newest daughter. 

Passport Photos (Tuesday April 13)

 Tuesday morning Emmaline was hungry and we were so thankful to see her eat! She ate Bulgarian yogurt and orange juice for breakfast. We walked over to our neighborhood grocery store after breakfast and stocked up on Bulgarian yogurt, since it is the only thing we had been able to get her to eat. 

Tuesday afternoon we walked to the police station to get Emmaline's passport photo. The appointment was quick and easy. 

After walking back with Emmaline on our hip the entire walk, we quickly decided we HAD to find a stroller. This is a walking city, and walking with a toddler on your hip all day is not ideal. Many of the shops were still closed due to Covid and the only place we had seen strollers was a little boutique shop down by Sofia Mall. We did not buy one on Sunday because they were so expensive. But, after a day of carrying Emmaline around everywhere, we decided it was worth the price. We walked the mile to the store and bought their display model (so we didn't have to put it together!) and then happily walked back to the hotel, with Emmaline riding in her brand new, super expensive, Swiss stroller.

Family Day: Monday April 12

 After very little sleep, Family Day arrived! Robert and I woke up early to grab breakfast in the hotel restaurant before riding to Sliven, where we would meet Emmaline. 

The drive to Sliven was about 3 1/2 hours through Bulgarian countryside. We rode past the mountains and into the plains. We rode through rural villages, farms, orchards, and saw the people out in the country taking care of their homes and land, and shepherds with their flocks of sheep and cows. 

Sliven

We arrived in Sliven and waited for Emmaline in the Social Services building. She arrived a few minutes after us. We signed some papers and then loaded back into the car for the long drive back to Sofia. Emmaline seemed content to come with us and was eager to drive away from Sliven. 

Our first night together was hard. It's difficult to see your child, who you love, processing through so much trauma and hardship. She was afraid of everything and refused water and food. Although she was terrified of getting in the bath, once I let her hold the shower head, she seemed to have a good time. She played and enjoyed licking the water (we were thankful she was staying hydrated!) 

Sleep did not come easy, but she eventually went to sleep in her little bed, and only woke up once in the middle of the night. I laid down with her and she eventually calmed down. 

The first day is always hard. Strangers coming together and figuring each other out. And, although we have loved her for many months, she does not know us at all and does not have any reason to trust us. Even so, she seems perceptive and discerning. Children often are. She knew in that Social Service building who loved her and relatively quickly understood we are a safe place for her. 

We are so thankful to have her in our arms, finally! We have prayed for her and over her. We have hoped and looked forward to meeting her in person! Emmaline is full of spirit and fire. She has a terrific stink eye and will flash the cutest smile (but usually when she thinks you aren't looking.) We can't wait to know her better.

We love you, Emmaline Victoria! 

Travel Day and Sofia Day

On Friday, April 9, Robert and I woke up to a very quiet house. The kids were with Grammy and Poppy and it was the day we would finally leave to pick up Emmaline. We basically paced all morning, waiting for it to be time to go to the airport. I went out for a quick jog (just to ease my nerves), and we went over our packing list one last time. We headed to the airport way too early, just because we couldn't stand waiting anymore. We were thankful for the extra time since Covid has made everything more difficult in regards to travel. The airport parking was closed, so we had to find a park and ride. And there were several checks to make sure we had the proper paperwork before we were allowed on the airplane. 

The Atlanta airport always provides entertainment. Here were our two funniest moments: 

1. When we were checking in (the first time), the ticket agent looked at Robert and said, "My system says: 'This customer cannot go to Bulgaria.'" Robert looked at me with total panic. I just laughed at him and told the agent, yes, we can. I had all our documentation from the courts and Embassy. I think the agent still wasn't sure what he was supposed to do, because he said "I am not liable if they do not let you in." Gotcha. (Spoiler: They let us in, of course.) 

2. While in line for security, the man in front of us pulled out a TSA Approved card and flashed it at the agent, and tried to walk through the security point. The TSA agent stopped him and said, "YOU are TSA approved, your bag is not" and made him go to the back of the line. Hilarious. (For us, not so much him.) 

We sat on the runway in Atlanta for 45 minutes and all I could do was watch my watch and think 'We are going to miss our flight in Paris.' We only had a 2 hour lay over to begin with, 1 hour in Paris is not enough time to get to another flight. But, God smiled on us, because we hustled through that Paris airport, had an extra security line opened just as we arrived (thank you, Jesus!) We made it to our gate in time to grab a bottle of water and get on the plane. We are so thankful because that was the ONLY flight to Sofia until Monday! 

After about 14 hours of total travel time, we finally arrived in Sofia. Sadly, our luggage did not arrive with us and we are still waiting on it. It is hanging out in Paris until there is another flight to Bulgaria. We hope they remember to put our bags on the next flight! We would love to get some clean clothes, and all the clothes and toys and supplies we brought for Emmaline. 

We were thrilled when we got to our hotel and found out we had received a free upgrade to one of the suites. We have a lot more space to spread out and a little living room where we can play with Emmaline once she is here. 

We spent a very sleepy evening wandering Vitosha street (right outside our hotel), trying to find a few necessary toiletries and dinner. 

After a much needed full night of sleep, we had a quiet Sunday morning in the hotel room reading our Bibles, followed by a busy afternoon of grocery shopping and attempting (but failing) to find a stroller. We enjoyed street pizza and gelato for lunch and took in more of the city. The juxtaposition of the new and the old is interesting here. Modern buildings built next to (or on top of) ancient buildings. New apartments next to crumbling homes. It's been fun getting to know the area around our hotel. If Emmaline is up to it, we hope to see some more of the city and surrounding areas in the weeks to come. 

Tomorrow is the big day! We finally meet Emmaline! We know tomorrow will be difficult for her. Two people she has never met coming to take her away from all she knows. Terrifying. We love her and we are looking forward to getting to know who she is...but we know this beginning bit will be difficult. We pray tonight for her little heart and mind. We pray she will feel loved and safe soon. We pray for our own hearts as we try to meet all her needs. 

Our kids at home are doing well with Grammy and Poppy! We are thankful they are being loved on while we are away. 

My Little Loves Here at Home

 There’s a part of my brain that starts screaming at me to quit in the middle of long runs. That voice asking “why the heck are you doing this?” and screaming “Stop and EAT you crazy lady!” There are articles upon articles written about how to fight off that voice and push through to the end...fuel, water, training, mental games.

Here we are...the week of departure has arrived and the most difficult part emotionally for me is upon me. Leaving these kids who are the loves of my life. That same part of my brain screams “I can’t leave them!” And a crushing sadness at driving away without them engulfs my heart.

There aren’t any articles written about this... and there really aren’t any mental games to make it better...but I have something more...God’s voice speaking truth against the fear...full of perfect peace and all the courage my weak heart needs. He reminds me that sometimes He requires things that are hard. But, in the hard, He is always there with me.

We are THRILLED to be going to meet and bring our last baby HOME in just a few short days. But, the next few days with these six babies at home are full of some hard moments for all of us as we step outside our comfort zone to finish the adoption of our beloved daughter and sister.

Faithful

 “ I will stand at my watch

Emmaline Victoria Zopp

and station myself on the ramparts;

I will look to see what he will say to me,

and what answer I am to give to this complaint.

2 Then the Lord replied:

“Write down the revelation

and make it plain on tablets

so that a herald may run with it.

3 For the revelation awaits an appointed time;

it speaks of the end

and will not prove false.

Though it linger, wait for it;

it will certainly come

and will not delay.” -Habakkuk 2:1-3

Last night, I sat with a pile of toddler sized clothes I have saved for years and was overcome by the Lord’s faithfulness. He is faithful. All the time.

He whispered to us that we would have another daughter long ago. Life has taken many twists and turns since then. Programs closed to us. Family moves. Job changes. The journey to our baby girl did not look like what we imagined. But, all along the way, God was there, encouraging us.

Now, finally, here I am sitting with a pile of 2T clothes I’ve saved all these years...knowing He would be faithful. So excited to hold my little girl. Just a few more weeks to wait.

If you’re waiting for Him ... His timing is perfect. Trust in His faithfulness. It will come.

Sometimes not in the time or way we want or expect. But always for His glory and our good.

Immigration Approval

 Immigration approval came today!!

Y'all. God is ... just overwhelming in the way He speaks and moves. As my feet pounded down familiar sidewalk this weekend, Paul's speech to the Athenians ran through my mind like a tape recorder: "...he is not served by human hands as if he needed anything...he himself gives life, breath and all things...he has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings...that they might seek the Lord and find him, though he is not far from each one of us..." This immigration step had me unraveling a little. Weeks and weeks of silence as I worried about my girl. But God...He reminded me during my sidewalk therapy session that He has a plan. As usual, He is not going to let me see the road map, just one step of obedience at a time. But...just like His timing has always been perfect in all things, His timing will also be perfect with Emmaline. He has all of it already worked out. For His Glory. For my good. For her good.

Monday night, my Spirit woke me to pray over our girl and this immigration application. Tuesday early in the morning, the same. In the wee hours of the morning, I sent an email to the United States Immigration office asking if they could check on our application. A few hours later, they responded that they approved us this morning!

Did God need my prayers to move the paperwork? Nope. But He asked me to chat with Him about it and He sure did use this to refine me, as always. So humbling. Somehow, the Creator also cares about the tiniest details.

Thank you for praying with us! One step closer to holding our baby girl!

Virtual Visits

 No better reason for a 3:30 alarm than to meet our newest daughter. We watched Emmaline play and talked with her caregivers. Her nickname is “Fire Girl” because of her strong will and occasional hot temper. I think she will be able to hold her own here! We love her so much. The next step we need is for the US government to get a move on with our immigration application!

We are thankful for these little video visits but they have also made the waiting even more difficult. We can’t wait to have her home!

Emmaline

 My Pa-Pa was a jokester. He told exaggerated stories, participated in many practical jokes, and he loved to tease people. I would like to say it was always out of love but that wouldn't be true. He got a kick out of irritating people. It made him laugh. And sometimes, a good laugh was priority over protecting feelings. 

My grandmother was prim and proper. She valued etiquette and grace. My mother and I called her Miss Manners. She was from the same rural area of Florida as my grandfather but, probably for the reasons stated above, my Pa-Pa was "that Norman boy" to my grandmother's mother. He was a little too country, not enough manners. 

Still, somehow he endeared himself to my grandmother and they were married for over 50 years before she passed away. 

My grandmother's name was Doris Emily. My Pa-Pa called her Emmaline. The story is, the name started as a way to tease her. Pa-Pa called her Emmaline, she argued that nickname "sounded too country. Don't call me that," he laughed, and she was irritated. This continued. 

By the time I was born, Emmaline was a sweet name of endearment. Only Pa-Pa called her Emmaline and I never remember anything but a faint smile on her face when he did. In public and to the world, she was Doris. When he needed something or in formal conversation, she was Doris. But, in the tender moments, she was his Emmaline. 

Both of my grandparents have left this world and gone on to heaven. I miss them everyday. I dream about them often at night. And I can't wait to see them again when my time here is done. 

_____________________________________________________________________

We have decided to name our baby girl Emmaline Victoria. 

Emmaline is a tribute not only to my sweet grandparents, but also to the two women they raised who have been two of my dearest friends my entire life: my mother and my aunt. 

My mother selflessly gave of herself my entire childhood and taught me so much about being a mother, it would be impossible to put it all down on paper. The most important thing, though, was that these tiny humans I am privileged to raise are a gift to be cherished and beloved. Time spent with them is never time wasted. The things of this world that seem so much more important are not important at all, not in comparison to raising my children. She made my childhood beautiful. And, now that I am grown, she is a dear friend to me. 

My aunt-BB was a child herself when I was born and from a very early age, I always looked forward to playing with her. Watching she and my mom interact has always been entertaining. I felt so special when they included me on their adventures...we always ended up in fits of giggles (and often lost). Now, I still enjoy any time we get to spend together. Hours go by as seconds when we are visiting. BB and her family have loved me and my babies well and I am so thankful for the continued relationship we have with all of them. They are a cherished part of our family. 

Victoria comes from our baby girl's Bulgarian name. It is the English equivalent of the name given her in the orphanage. We love that it means "victory". We pray daily for her heart and her well being and look forward to see how the Lord works in her life. 

Emmaline Victoria, we cannot wait to meet you! 

Our New Daughter

 We are absolutely thrilled to finally be matched with our newest daughter. Due to the laws in Bulgaria, we cannot share her face, name, or any identifying information until after we pass court in many months. She is beautiful and already loved so much. The process is still quite long, and we know it will be a difficult wait, but we also know she is worth it! We cannot wait to be her forever family! We love you, sweet girl!

This has been a trying adoption process. There have been many starts and stops. A big move. Big life changes. An agency change. So many delays. After every little detour, the Lord has been faithful to encourage and speak to us. He has made his path known and shown us the way to walk. We are humbled and grateful that He continues to use us and speak to us. And we are so honored and excited to be this baby girl's family. 

 

Even When It Is Difficult

The adoption process for Howie was…dare I say it?...easy. We adopted Laura in October 2016, got our Adoption Tax Credit a few months later, and tucked it away in a special “Adoption Savings” account because we knew we would return to China soon. Robert worked for a company who offered adoption assistance, which provided us with another good chunk of money that covered almost all of our travel expenses. We saw Howie on a waiting child page, knew in an instant he was ours, and a few months later, we were heading to China to meet our boy. He has been full of energy, giggles, fun, and sometimes some mischief from the day we met him. He meshed right into our family and we were ready to go back again a few months after he was home. Everything about his process seemed easier than expected. 

When we committed to adopting from Bulgaria, we knew the aspects of trauma and special needs were up in the air, we wouldn’t know until we know. But, we had hoped and half expected the financial aspects and process to be fairly smooth. We have become experts at adoption paperwork, and I knew I’d be able to get the dossier and home study complete within a couple of months. I hoped we would have a new daughter in time for Christmas 2020. 

Financially, we were depending on an end of the year bonus to cover the costs. But, end of the year came and went, and bonuses were not to be this year. We panicked a little. With all the world’s cautions of “what about your real kids?” running through our minds, we prayed for several weeks about how this would work. The loud and clear answer we heard was:

Are you going to be obedient even if it is not easy? 

Yes. The answer always has to be yes. In faith, we continued to move forward. About a month later, we sat down to pay our taxes and we were blessed with a higher than expected tax return. I sat and cried in front of TurboTax, knowing the Lord was providing a way.  The tax return money allowed us to continue with our paperwork, finish our home study and dossier, get all our required fingerprints, and pay part of our agency fee. 

In March, we applied for a specific waiting child. But, before we could get an answer back about whether our family would be matched with her or not, the world shut down due to Covid 19. Both governments are closed. Bulgaria is not processing adoption paperwork at all. The United States is not providing clearances for families. Other families are awaiting travel and are stuck in process. Children waiting in orphanages. Families waiting for their beloved children. 

Are we going to be obedient even if it is not easy? 

Are we going to be obedient even if this takes twice as long as it should? 

Even if the money is not there? 

Even if we have to sacrifice? 

Even if we are going to feel pain? And anxiety? And fear? 

Yes, we choose obedience. We choose it when it is easy. We choose it when it is difficult. We know the joy that comes from obedience. The peace that surpasses all understanding as we walk in His will. The calm in the middle of the storm, knowing He is still on the throne. 

Now, here we are, May 1^st. Bulgaria is still shut down and we don’t know the answer about baby girl. The United States is still shut down and we cannot complete our dossier until they re-open. All our paperwork we worked so hard to get done quickly is in danger of “expiring” before it ever reaches Bulgaria. So, we may be doing it all again. 

Still, every time we pray, we know this is the path He has chosen for us to walk. And we will obey, even though we are not sure how long the road will be, how many twists and turns it will take, or whom is waiting for us at the end. 

He is good all the time. And His plans are so much better than ours. That we know and believe. 

Bulgaria

Spring of 2019 was a difficult season. I lost my grandfather, and with his passing, grieved my grandmother all over again as well. They were both gone, and it felt like the only place I had ever thought of as home was gone too. In the same month, we suffered a second big loss in our adoption process and with the loss came revelation that the agency we were working with was, at best, grossly incompetent and, at worst, grossly deceptive. We felt like we could not trust them and ended up pulling out of the program completely. Then, the last week of May, we packed up our home of less than two years and moved from North Carolina to Georgia. A new city, new neighborhood, new streets on which to get lost, and absolutely no one we knew. 

Normally, I am a pretty steady person, but the waves of grief felt overwhelming throughout that summer and I found it difficult to see a vision for what would come next. I took one long day at a time. I found comfort in my family and, as always, enjoyed hours spent with my favorite people. 

The months rolled by and we started finding our new normal. One day, while sitting together in our basement, Rachel climbed up on my lap and asked “When are you going to get our new sister? I’ve been waiting and waiting for her. Is she ever going to come?” I sat quietly for a few seconds, and then, said, “You know, maybe we will just say our family is complete with the eight of us. Maybe we won’t adopt any more kids. We will just take fabulous vacations instead.” It wasn’t one of my finest moments. 

Rachel didn’t say anything. But, William, my sweet twelve-year-old son, looked at me and said, “No. That’s not who you are, Mom.” 

That is not who we are. Truth spoken from my young son. That evening I praised God in my prayer time for all the time we have had to pour truth into our children and that now, as they are getting older, we are starting to see that truth take root and blossom. I am so thankful He is working in their hearts in such a way that they see who He is and what He has called us to. They know we are His…that is who we are. 

A few months later, in December, the Lord started waking me up in the middle of the night to pray. Almost every morning around 4:30, I would be startled awake and feel an urgent need to pray. I’d tiptoe to the living room, wrap up in a blanket and sit with the Lord. I had no idea why He was calling me to this time with Him, but I knew He was preparing us for something. Sure enough, the week before Christmas, Robert said he felt like we were being called to start another adoption process and said, “I know we have another daughter.” 

We knew, after our experience with the other agency, we would only work with the agency who helped us with Laura and Howie’s adoption. CCAI has proved themselves to be upright, honest, and trustworthy. They walked us through both China adoptions, and we have always been happy with them. We know now that is not always the case in the world of adoption agencies. 

God continued to wake both Robert and me up through the month of January. Many mornings were spent praying about where we should pursue an adoption. We both heard “Bulgaria” but hesitated because we have always been afraid of adopting from Eastern Europe. The care there is worse than China and we have always been afraid of the trauma associated with adopting a child from that area. Despite our fear, God continued to make His call clear. He reminded us of His faithfulness. He reminded us that He would equip us, just as He did for Laura and Howie. He reminded us of the need and that it is His people He asks to meet the need. And, so, in January, we stepped out in faith, knowing it was His call and our answer must be “Yes.” 

1 Year Home, Part 2: Changing Together

I have said it before, and I will say it again. The hardest part of traveling to China alone, was coming home alone. While I was in China finalizing our adoption of Laura, the trip itself was fun at times, exhausting at others, full of adventure, and life changing. While I was there, I felt the prayers of my family and friends at home. The Lord sustained me in times of fatigue and gave me a brave heart that was able to enjoy the sweet time with my newest daughter and fall in love with her country.

We came home to our family and I was so happy to see them all and be together again. But...something inside me had changed and I couldn't...nor did I want to...go back to the "before." It wasn't a flashy change or something that any stranger would notice. But, my husband noticed and called me "post China Amy", sometimes in a more endearing way than others. I struggled internally to integrate back into American society. Truth be told, I had no desire to be back in American society. If Robert had been on board, I would have sold everything and moved overseas to serve the orphans in some way...any way. It was difficult to process all these feelings alone. It was difficult to have this life changing event without my husband there with me.

When travel approval came for Howie, we were thrilled that it worked out so that we could go together this time. We had several people in our life willing and able to care for our children and several people in our life who kept telling us it was important for Robert to be there this time (and we agreed.) I packed and prepared with excitement. I couldn't wait to hold our son. I couldn't wait to get back to China. I couldn't wait for noodles. I couldn't wait to hug several guides who I loved and I couldn't wait to share everything I loved with the man I love. Part of me did worry he wouldn't love it...and then what? "Please don't ruin China." is what I said as we headed to the airport that dark morning in April.

Then, we traveled for a long time. We climbed the Great Wall and met families with shared desires to grow their families through the blessing of adoption.  We met our son on a day that Robert would later describe as "one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen". We visited the orphanage and saw the hundreds of beds.  We walked the streets of Zhengzhou and Guangzhou together and fell in love with China together. And then came home together, and had each other to process through all the change and feelings and aches.

Although Robert still is not on board with selling everything and moving overseas, we do share an ache for the children we left behind and a love for adoption. We flinch at the "easy button" that so many desire to push, and laugh at the all the interesting conversations our little family creates. We love our children with our whole hearts and know we have room for more. Room in our hearts, room in our home. Because adoption and China changed us forever. And we thank God for that. Our lives are blessed beyond measure by the six precious hearts the Lord has placed in our family. It is a pleasure and a privilege to be their parents.

One Year Home, Part 1: Howard Derek

It is hard to believe a whole year has passed since we met Howie for the first time. In many ways, it feels like yesterday that we stood waiting for him arrive, watching other families from our group be united with their children. But, since then, our family has packed up and moved to a new state and settled in to a new home and routine. The year has been busy and good for all of us.

In many ways, Howie's adoption and integration into our family has been a "best case scenario." When we adopted both he and Laura, we went into the adoptions hoping for all the best case scenarios but knowing full well, and trying to prepare for, less than best cases. Medically, Howie is a healthy boy. He was diagnosed in China with hydrocephalus and has a strange scar on the side of his head. (The neurologist here called it a "witch doctor scar.") We will never know what happened in his life before us, but we do know he does not have hydrocephalus. He has a larger than average head, but a healthy brain, and that is what really matters.

Howie adjusted quickly to our family and our home and is a delight to us. He is funny and brave. He is rough and tumble and "all boy". He loves to jump off of everything (which has resulted in more than one injury...all minor, thankfully!). He builds with blocks and legos. He loves trains and asks to dump out the tracks daily. He was afraid of water and swimming when he first got home, but he loves it now. He enjoys the beach and the pool. He loves to ride his tricycle and scooter outside and play in the dirt in the backyard. He is everything a four year old boy should be. He loves his siblings and plays well with all of them (most of the time!)

We talked as a family about what we will always remember about Howie's first year with us and here are our top five: (Most are comical because that is who Howie is!) :)

1. Howie used to yell at us in mandarin. He learned English very quickly (he was saying words and short phrases before we left China), but when he was angry, his words were still in mandarin. We tried to use Google Translate to figure out what he was saying, but I guess his language was a 3 year old's version of mandarin and that didn't compute, because we rarely could figure out what he was saying. Robert used to say "I think when we can understand him, he may be in trouble." He would also sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" in mandarin in the car. I do wish we could have preserved that language for him in some way.

2. Jumping, jumping, jumping. Howie jumps off of stairs and curbs...any time a jump is possible, he prefers that to stepping every time. The day before his medical appointment in China, he jumped off of a little bridge at the hotel park and hit his head. We went to the medical appointment with an egg shaped knot on his forehead. He has had similar injuries throughout the year, but he still loves to jump!

3. He has the best little giggle and smile! He is one of those kids that smiles with his whole face and it is darling. And his sweet cheeks...I could kiss them all day.

4. Funniest/grossest story of the year: Shortly after we moved into our house in North Carolina, I was unpacking downstairs and the 3 year olds were playing in the girls' room upstairs. It got quiet. I got nervous and went upstairs. I walked into the bathroom and Howie was wet all over. His head was wet. His shirt was wet. His arms were dripping. Strangely, his feet and legs were dry. I looked around...the bath was dry...why was he wet? I asked him and he just stared at me. I asked Rachel and she paused before saying: "Howie stuck his head in the potty." Ummm....what???? "WHY???" was my response. "To save our toys." Rachel replied. Yep. They had flushed toys. Some were still floating. Some were stuck in the pipes. Some were stuck in the bend of the toilet. A plumber, new toilet, and long shower later, it is funny. It is really funny, actually. Pretty gross at the moment though. So...Howie is the kid that will stick his arms (and head) in the toilet in effort to save his sisters' dolls.

5. Howie fell in love with Paw Patrol as soon as we got home. He loves it. Christmas and his birthday were all about Paw Patrol and he currently has a fleet of Paw Patrol trucks in his room. It goes nicely with Jacob's garbage truck and firetruck fleets. They are a good pair.

It has been a lovely year with our Hao Hao! We are thankful we got the opportunity to be his family and thankful that we said yes to one more! It sounded crazy at the time...but it has been fun so far and we look forward to many more years of fun together. This crew keeps us smiling!