1 Year Anniversary: Part 1

Growing up, and even into early adulthood, I never thought about or dwelled on anything that was sad, or difficult, or maddening, or hard. That is just not what my family does. We push through and move on. The hard stuff is never talked about again. Then I met Robert. His family talks about everything.  And when I say talk, I mean beat it to death. Or that is what it feels like to me.

Robert and I have been married now for over 12 years, and so I have had to learn to talk. And fight. And discuss. The happy things and the sad things. The hard things and the easy things. Sometimes I still have to fight the shut down response to anything emotionally negative. It is hard to change.

And, so, as I look at our year anniversary with Laura on the calendar, my personality and tendency is to say: What a fantastic year! Everything has been so fun! She is doing so great! These things are very true. She is doing great. Better than great, really. It has been a fantastic year. And we have had so much fun.

Laura just a few minutes after I met her. October 19, 2015

But, in order to really appreciate just how wonderfully she is doing and the amazing year we have had, I think it is necessary to look back at the hard. And, so, I have purposefully gone back to memories of the hard this week.

I went back to China. Just a few hours into being Laura's Mommy; I had never felt so alone. I was sitting in my hotel room with a baby who I had just met. Who was 10 pounds thinner than I had been told she was. And she was refusing to eat. She screamed every time I tried to give her the bottle. She didn't know me. I looked so different from anyone she had ever met. I smelled different. I spoke differently.


I went back to palate surgery day and the two weeks of torture that followed. Every moment was hard in those weeks. She was in pain. She stopped trusting me. She retreated inside herself.

Post-surgery.

I went back to just last week when fear overtook my heart and I wondered, will she ever speak? What will we do if she never speaks?

As I looked back at the hard, with all the experience of the present, in each moment I saw something beautiful. In each moment I saw God reach down and put before me the exact encouragement I needed to push through. He has been so gracious to me through this year. Truly He has walked through the fires and rivers with me so that they would not overwhelm me (Isaiah 43:2). Truly He has made beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:3).

In that moment in China, I reached into my suitcase and grabbed a nutrigrain bar. Maybe she would eat this. I handed it to her and she had no idea what to do with it. She had never been given solid food. I put a tiny taste on her lips and received a big smile. Her eyes met mine and she opened her mouth for more. She still wouldn't let me give her a bottle, but she let me feed her that cereal bar. She watched me closely the whole time and her tiny self consumed that whole bar.

In the hospital after her surgery, as she screamed and fought against the morphine, the surgeon and the nurse stood watching as I tried to soothe my baby. Then the nurse said, "She is a fighter, isn't she?" And I cried. Knowing I was so thankful that she was a fighter. I was so thankful her fighting spirit got her through her year and a half in an orphanage that didn't feed her. As the tears rolled, the nurse then said to the doctor, "I think she is also the most amazing mom I have ever seen." And the doctor said, "I agree." Of course that was just to make me feel better and we all knew it. But, it did make me feel better and their confidence in us (Laura and me), gave me confidence to advocate and care for my Laura even when she didn't want me caring for her.

And, today, as I sat on the couch in a rare quiet moment with just Laura and me, I started practicing the "m" sound with her. Back and forth, we'd make the "mmmm" sound together. Then, in a soft little whisper, she looked at me and said "Mama" for the first time.

Even the hard is good in the end.

Robert and Laura: Daddy's girl

Laura really is doing wonderfully. She has grown into a healthy little 2 year old. She loves toys with buttons, stacking blocks, and trains. She carries two flannel blankets around when she is tired. She starts every morning with cold milk. And you don't want to mess with that milk routine. She loves playing outside and riding her scooter. She loves to be held by both Mommy and Daddy. Daddy is her favorite and she runs to see him when she hears the door opening in the evening.

And we do have fun. There are too many happy moments to list. Everyday is fun with this bunch. We are blessed beyond measure.

My sweet crew shopping for new books. 

Glorious Healing

When Laura had her post-op visit about a month after her surgery, we confirmed that a small fistula had formed during her healing. It was about the size of a pencil eraser and in the back of her mouth. Our doctor said he was disappointed to see it, but not surprised. Her cleft was very wide in the back and so the stitches were under a lot of tension. Sometimes, often even, that tension gives way in some spots and small holes form. I was certain I had seen the hole forming as I cared for Laura's palate, so I wasn't surprised when our doctor confirmed it. We were disappointed, though, since a hole meant an extra surgery to continue to try to close the roof of her mouth. Our doctor said to give her some time to completely heal before we started talking about closing the small hole. I asked him if there was any chance it would heal on its own. He said not likely. I decided to pray for healing anyway. Robert and I both prayed for her little mouth.

Last week, while visiting our favorite ENT for Rachel Beth's ears, he asked me how Laura was doing. I told him, "I know you are going to think I'm crazy, but that hole is getting smaller on its own." He said now he was going to have to look and he looked in her mouth and said, "You're right! It is smaller. Let's just leave it alone and see what happens." I am thrilled. Leave it alone sounds wonderful to me. Not doing another palate surgery this year is gift from God! She will still have more surgeries in the future, but will also have some needed time to grow and heal in all ways before we tackle another surgical hurdle.

Sister love! 

Laura is healing emotionally as well. Things that seem like tiny steps mean so much for her. Her little heart is healing as well as her mouth. Day by day, by God's glorious grace, she is learning what it means to be loved unconditionally.  To have siblings who love to play and help. To have enough to eat. (So much, that she now feels enough freedom to throw what she doesn't like on the floor!) To have a family who provides and protects.

Laura loves all things technology and is obsessed with big brother's Nook. 

I have said it before, but I must say it again. I am so humbled that God called us to adopt and am ever thankful that in His sovereignty, He chose Laura for us and us for Laura.

Looking a little deviant as she sneaks some early morning candy. 

Lessons

As Laura healed over the past two weeks, our struggles were not only with her physical pain and discomfort but also with the instability in her heart and mind created by her pain. She has only been home 6 weeks, and as our sweet girl recovered from her surgery, we could see her pulling further and further away from us. She didn't trust us. Her trust fell away more and more as I had to care for her palate and her ears. The cleaning of the palate and the ear drops were torture for her. She was terrified. As the days went by, many orphanage behaviors returned and she pulled within her safe shell. She stopped wanting me to care for her and tried her best to care for herself. She shut down emotionally. Quit making eye contact. Shrieked any time she was out of control (even for things she used to love like baths.) Refused to drink anything except warm formula. And, even that, she would not allow me to feed her. The first 10 days left us both emotionally exhausted as I loved her through her sadness and grieved over her grief. 

It is amazing how many parenting lessons reflect our relationship with the Lord. As I prayed over our girl and wondered why she was so afraid and withdrawn, I was struck by how similar this reaction is to adults' reaction to God. What do I do when I am in pain? What do I do when I am out of control and hate everything that is happening to me? I grieve. I get angry. I become afraid. And I turn on the One who takes care of me. I decide that since God is not caring for me in the way I desire, I will care for myself and I will do it better than God.  Of course I have been in church long enough to never say any of those feelings out loud! But, if I am truthful, those are the feelings I have when pain and loss of control rule my life. And, as I pull away, He remains. He continues to care and is eager to have me return to Him. As I reflected on this, I was thankful for a God who is here. Teaching me as I care for my babies. Reflecting His truths into my life. Reminding me of His Words. Comforting me as I comfort them. 

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too." -2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Now we are 14 days post op and are seeing Laura smile and laugh more and more. She plays and asks to be held. Her mouth looks good and the stitches have almost completely dissolved. Both emotionally and physically she is healing and we are so thankful and happy to have her back. 

Cleft Palate Surgery: Day 1

So, this blog post is mostly just for education for people who may be considering adopting a cleft lip/palate kiddo...it may be kind of gross for people. So, if you have no interest in the ins and outs of palate surgery or are easily grossed out...skip this post! Also, I'm not going to post pictures of Laura from today (surgery day.) Today wasn't the day for pictures. It was a hard day.

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Today was Laura's surgery day for her open palate. Her cleft lip was repaired in China. On a side note, China has become very good at repairing cleft lips. Our surgeon commented several times on her lip and how great it looks. He said they couldn't have done it better here. He also mentioned that the cleft lip surgery is one the Chinese have really educated themselves on and they do a good job on the lips now.

For Laura, she was missing about half of her palate. Her entire left side was missing. She had a small strip of palate on the right side (which she used for sucking and eating). When we visited with the surgeon after we got home from China, he said he would do his best to completely close her open palate. However, sometimes they are unable to do so and therefore there will be a small hole (or holes) left after surgery. These fistulas will then have to be repaired a year or two later. The fistulas can still get food stuck in them and also may cause speech problems as children learn to talk. We were prayerful that our doctor would be able to fix her palate without leaving any holes. We were so thankful today when he said he was able to do a complete repair! Now, as long as her mouth heals properly, she should have a closed palate. Hooray! 

When I look in her mouth, I can see where he made two incisions along the sides of her palate (from her gums to about quarter of the way across.) There are now fairly large gaps on the outside of her palate that will heal on their own, from the inside out. He then pulled that soft tissue together and there is stitching from her teeth  (gums) to her throat. The tissue is swollen, so it kind of looks like a swollen cushion with stitching though the middle. 

She has been really uncomfortable all day. It has been a very long, hard day. Lots of trial and error, trying to get her comfortable. She is getting fluids from an iv, but we have gotten her off the morphine and on oral pain medication that seems to be doing the trick.

We are in a hospital that does not see a lot of cleft babies and that has been painfully obvious in her post-surgical care. The nurses don't know what to do and I am having to educate them on cleft and be adamant about following my doctor's orders on how to care for my daughter. Some hospitals probably see more cleft babies than others. But, be prepared to be an advocate for your child! Educate yourself by asking lots of questions of your surgeon before the procedure and after the procedure when he visits with you. I was so very thankful for a surgeon who didn't just do the procedure and then take off. He called me, and visited us several times and gave directions many times to the nurses so we could give Laura proper care. 

The stitches will dissolve in about 14 days...counting down to her being healed!

Thanksgiving

We took a trip up to Birmingham for Thanksgiving and had a lovely week with family. The weather there was spectacular for playing outside and the boys enjoyed the cool temperatures and the fall leaves. There is always something fun to discover at Grammy and Poppy's house in the woods! They also had a great time playing with their cousins!

Grammy and the boys out for a morning walk.

Building a fort in the woods. 

Laura had a great time on her first family vacation!

The familiar stare down...sizing up the competition.

Cousins!

Cousins! (And Rachel and Laura were so over taking pictures!) 

Golf with Poppy

I feel overwhelmed this year with all I have to be thankful for. It has been a tumultuous, exciting, hard, and wonderful year. There have been many changes and many blessings. I am so thankful for the work/life balance Robert now has with his job in Tampa. We get to see him every night. The kids get to chat with him and play with him every day. He is able to take the boys to school in the morning and put them to bed with me at night. We had not had that for several years and I am truly overwhelmed with the invaluable blessing of the presence of my husband and my children's daddy. I don't ever want to go back to the way life was in Dallas. 

I am thankful for the beautiful home and city we live in. We love seeing the water when we drive down the street in the morning and we love being able to drive down to the beach for the day on the weekends. 

I am thankful for the work of adoption the Lord placed first in Robert's heart and then in mine and for the amazing blessing of Laura Catherine.

I am thankful for my sweet, incredible children who I love more than I could even write in words. 

I am thankful that the Lord took me to China and there I met some other mommas who I consider my people. Who have blessed me by helping me get on track here in Tampa and find some groups to get plugged in with. It is nice to have people! 

All in all, my cup runneth over. I got teary eyed several times during the week of Thanksgiving as I considered my many blessings. I am so honored and humbled to have been given so much.

Fort Desoto

Just a few pictures of our trip to the beach with Grammy..

One Month Home

November 30 marked one month since Laura arrived in her new home. Life with five little people is busy and wonderful and the month has really flown by.

All the kids (and Daddy) playing with William's new birthday toy from Uncle Eric and Aunt Tiffany

Laura is adjusting very well. She is starting to pick up language. She can follow simple directions and said "MaMa" for the first time. She does have some fluid build up in her ears because of her open palate, and just like Rachel has some temporary hearing loss because of that. We expect her language to improve even more once she has her tubes in place and the fluid can properly drain.

Emotionally she is growing as well. She is sleeping much better at night. She sleeps in a pack and play at the foot of our bed. When she first got home, she spent most of the night curled up next to me in bed, but now she will sleep most of the night in her bed and just get in our bed to cuddle early in the morning. She still has some institutional behaviors hanging on, but they are lessening as time goes by.

Her little personality is starting to show more and more. She loves carrying "purses" around (any small bags she can stuff with toys and throw over her shoulder.) She loves swinging outside and being pushed around on her brothers' scooters. She enjoys watching her brothers. Rachel and Laura were fierce competitors at first, and they still feel some jealousy for one another. But, they also play nicely at times and will be mischievous together...which is pretty cute, even though I should probably not think naughty behavior is cute.

Our family is doing really well and enjoying being together. We are looking forward to Christmas with all our babies under our tree.

Do you see that look they are giving one another? Yikes! Stare down.