Even When It Is Difficult

The adoption process for Howie was…dare I say it?...easy. We adopted Laura in October 2016, got our Adoption Tax Credit a few months later, and tucked it away in a special “Adoption Savings” account because we knew we would return to China soon. Robert worked for a company who offered adoption assistance, which provided us with another good chunk of money that covered almost all of our travel expenses. We saw Howie on a waiting child page, knew in an instant he was ours, and a few months later, we were heading to China to meet our boy. He has been full of energy, giggles, fun, and sometimes some mischief from the day we met him. He meshed right into our family and we were ready to go back again a few months after he was home. Everything about his process seemed easier than expected. 

When we committed to adopting from Bulgaria, we knew the aspects of trauma and special needs were up in the air, we wouldn’t know until we know. But, we had hoped and half expected the financial aspects and process to be fairly smooth. We have become experts at adoption paperwork, and I knew I’d be able to get the dossier and home study complete within a couple of months. I hoped we would have a new daughter in time for Christmas 2020. 

Financially, we were depending on an end of the year bonus to cover the costs. But, end of the year came and went, and bonuses were not to be this year. We panicked a little. With all the world’s cautions of “what about your real kids?” running through our minds, we prayed for several weeks about how this would work. The loud and clear answer we heard was:

Are you going to be obedient even if it is not easy? 

Yes. The answer always has to be yes. In faith, we continued to move forward. About a month later, we sat down to pay our taxes and we were blessed with a higher than expected tax return. I sat and cried in front of TurboTax, knowing the Lord was providing a way.  The tax return money allowed us to continue with our paperwork, finish our home study and dossier, get all our required fingerprints, and pay part of our agency fee. 

In March, we applied for a specific waiting child. But, before we could get an answer back about whether our family would be matched with her or not, the world shut down due to Covid 19. Both governments are closed. Bulgaria is not processing adoption paperwork at all. The United States is not providing clearances for families. Other families are awaiting travel and are stuck in process. Children waiting in orphanages. Families waiting for their beloved children. 

Are we going to be obedient even if it is not easy? 

Are we going to be obedient even if this takes twice as long as it should? 

Even if the money is not there? 

Even if we have to sacrifice? 

Even if we are going to feel pain? And anxiety? And fear? 

Yes, we choose obedience. We choose it when it is easy. We choose it when it is difficult. We know the joy that comes from obedience. The peace that surpasses all understanding as we walk in His will. The calm in the middle of the storm, knowing He is still on the throne. 

Now, here we are, May 1^st. Bulgaria is still shut down and we don’t know the answer about baby girl. The United States is still shut down and we cannot complete our dossier until they re-open. All our paperwork we worked so hard to get done quickly is in danger of “expiring” before it ever reaches Bulgaria. So, we may be doing it all again. 

Still, every time we pray, we know this is the path He has chosen for us to walk. And we will obey, even though we are not sure how long the road will be, how many twists and turns it will take, or whom is waiting for us at the end. 

He is good all the time. And His plans are so much better than ours. That we know and believe. 

Bulgaria

Spring of 2019 was a difficult season. I lost my grandfather, and with his passing, grieved my grandmother all over again as well. They were both gone, and it felt like the only place I had ever thought of as home was gone too. In the same month, we suffered a second big loss in our adoption process and with the loss came revelation that the agency we were working with was, at best, grossly incompetent and, at worst, grossly deceptive. We felt like we could not trust them and ended up pulling out of the program completely. Then, the last week of May, we packed up our home of less than two years and moved from North Carolina to Georgia. A new city, new neighborhood, new streets on which to get lost, and absolutely no one we knew. 

Normally, I am a pretty steady person, but the waves of grief felt overwhelming throughout that summer and I found it difficult to see a vision for what would come next. I took one long day at a time. I found comfort in my family and, as always, enjoyed hours spent with my favorite people. 

The months rolled by and we started finding our new normal. One day, while sitting together in our basement, Rachel climbed up on my lap and asked “When are you going to get our new sister? I’ve been waiting and waiting for her. Is she ever going to come?” I sat quietly for a few seconds, and then, said, “You know, maybe we will just say our family is complete with the eight of us. Maybe we won’t adopt any more kids. We will just take fabulous vacations instead.” It wasn’t one of my finest moments. 

Rachel didn’t say anything. But, William, my sweet twelve-year-old son, looked at me and said, “No. That’s not who you are, Mom.” 

That is not who we are. Truth spoken from my young son. That evening I praised God in my prayer time for all the time we have had to pour truth into our children and that now, as they are getting older, we are starting to see that truth take root and blossom. I am so thankful He is working in their hearts in such a way that they see who He is and what He has called us to. They know we are His…that is who we are. 

A few months later, in December, the Lord started waking me up in the middle of the night to pray. Almost every morning around 4:30, I would be startled awake and feel an urgent need to pray. I’d tiptoe to the living room, wrap up in a blanket and sit with the Lord. I had no idea why He was calling me to this time with Him, but I knew He was preparing us for something. Sure enough, the week before Christmas, Robert said he felt like we were being called to start another adoption process and said, “I know we have another daughter.” 

We knew, after our experience with the other agency, we would only work with the agency who helped us with Laura and Howie’s adoption. CCAI has proved themselves to be upright, honest, and trustworthy. They walked us through both China adoptions, and we have always been happy with them. We know now that is not always the case in the world of adoption agencies. 

God continued to wake both Robert and me up through the month of January. Many mornings were spent praying about where we should pursue an adoption. We both heard “Bulgaria” but hesitated because we have always been afraid of adopting from Eastern Europe. The care there is worse than China and we have always been afraid of the trauma associated with adopting a child from that area. Despite our fear, God continued to make His call clear. He reminded us of His faithfulness. He reminded us that He would equip us, just as He did for Laura and Howie. He reminded us of the need and that it is His people He asks to meet the need. And, so, in January, we stepped out in faith, knowing it was His call and our answer must be “Yes.” 

1 Year Home, Part 2: Changing Together

I have said it before, and I will say it again. The hardest part of traveling to China alone, was coming home alone. While I was in China finalizing our adoption of Laura, the trip itself was fun at times, exhausting at others, full of adventure, and life changing. While I was there, I felt the prayers of my family and friends at home. The Lord sustained me in times of fatigue and gave me a brave heart that was able to enjoy the sweet time with my newest daughter and fall in love with her country.

We came home to our family and I was so happy to see them all and be together again. But...something inside me had changed and I couldn't...nor did I want to...go back to the "before." It wasn't a flashy change or something that any stranger would notice. But, my husband noticed and called me "post China Amy", sometimes in a more endearing way than others. I struggled internally to integrate back into American society. Truth be told, I had no desire to be back in American society. If Robert had been on board, I would have sold everything and moved overseas to serve the orphans in some way...any way. It was difficult to process all these feelings alone. It was difficult to have this life changing event without my husband there with me.

When travel approval came for Howie, we were thrilled that it worked out so that we could go together this time. We had several people in our life willing and able to care for our children and several people in our life who kept telling us it was important for Robert to be there this time (and we agreed.) I packed and prepared with excitement. I couldn't wait to hold our son. I couldn't wait to get back to China. I couldn't wait for noodles. I couldn't wait to hug several guides who I loved and I couldn't wait to share everything I loved with the man I love. Part of me did worry he wouldn't love it...and then what? "Please don't ruin China." is what I said as we headed to the airport that dark morning in April.

Then, we traveled for a long time. We climbed the Great Wall and met families with shared desires to grow their families through the blessing of adoption.  We met our son on a day that Robert would later describe as "one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen". We visited the orphanage and saw the hundreds of beds.  We walked the streets of Zhengzhou and Guangzhou together and fell in love with China together. And then came home together, and had each other to process through all the change and feelings and aches.

Although Robert still is not on board with selling everything and moving overseas, we do share an ache for the children we left behind and a love for adoption. We flinch at the "easy button" that so many desire to push, and laugh at the all the interesting conversations our little family creates. We love our children with our whole hearts and know we have room for more. Room in our hearts, room in our home. Because adoption and China changed us forever. And we thank God for that. Our lives are blessed beyond measure by the six precious hearts the Lord has placed in our family. It is a pleasure and a privilege to be their parents.

One Year Home, Part 1: Howard Derek

It is hard to believe a whole year has passed since we met Howie for the first time. In many ways, it feels like yesterday that we stood waiting for him arrive, watching other families from our group be united with their children. But, since then, our family has packed up and moved to a new state and settled in to a new home and routine. The year has been busy and good for all of us.

In many ways, Howie's adoption and integration into our family has been a "best case scenario." When we adopted both he and Laura, we went into the adoptions hoping for all the best case scenarios but knowing full well, and trying to prepare for, less than best cases. Medically, Howie is a healthy boy. He was diagnosed in China with hydrocephalus and has a strange scar on the side of his head. (The neurologist here called it a "witch doctor scar.") We will never know what happened in his life before us, but we do know he does not have hydrocephalus. He has a larger than average head, but a healthy brain, and that is what really matters.

Howie adjusted quickly to our family and our home and is a delight to us. He is funny and brave. He is rough and tumble and "all boy". He loves to jump off of everything (which has resulted in more than one injury...all minor, thankfully!). He builds with blocks and legos. He loves trains and asks to dump out the tracks daily. He was afraid of water and swimming when he first got home, but he loves it now. He enjoys the beach and the pool. He loves to ride his tricycle and scooter outside and play in the dirt in the backyard. He is everything a four year old boy should be. He loves his siblings and plays well with all of them (most of the time!)

We talked as a family about what we will always remember about Howie's first year with us and here are our top five: (Most are comical because that is who Howie is!) :)

1. Howie used to yell at us in mandarin. He learned English very quickly (he was saying words and short phrases before we left China), but when he was angry, his words were still in mandarin. We tried to use Google Translate to figure out what he was saying, but I guess his language was a 3 year old's version of mandarin and that didn't compute, because we rarely could figure out what he was saying. Robert used to say "I think when we can understand him, he may be in trouble." He would also sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" in mandarin in the car. I do wish we could have preserved that language for him in some way.

2. Jumping, jumping, jumping. Howie jumps off of stairs and curbs...any time a jump is possible, he prefers that to stepping every time. The day before his medical appointment in China, he jumped off of a little bridge at the hotel park and hit his head. We went to the medical appointment with an egg shaped knot on his forehead. He has had similar injuries throughout the year, but he still loves to jump!

3. He has the best little giggle and smile! He is one of those kids that smiles with his whole face and it is darling. And his sweet cheeks...I could kiss them all day.

4. Funniest/grossest story of the year: Shortly after we moved into our house in North Carolina, I was unpacking downstairs and the 3 year olds were playing in the girls' room upstairs. It got quiet. I got nervous and went upstairs. I walked into the bathroom and Howie was wet all over. His head was wet. His shirt was wet. His arms were dripping. Strangely, his feet and legs were dry. I looked around...the bath was dry...why was he wet? I asked him and he just stared at me. I asked Rachel and she paused before saying: "Howie stuck his head in the potty." Ummm....what???? "WHY???" was my response. "To save our toys." Rachel replied. Yep. They had flushed toys. Some were still floating. Some were stuck in the pipes. Some were stuck in the bend of the toilet. A plumber, new toilet, and long shower later, it is funny. It is really funny, actually. Pretty gross at the moment though. So...Howie is the kid that will stick his arms (and head) in the toilet in effort to save his sisters' dolls.

5. Howie fell in love with Paw Patrol as soon as we got home. He loves it. Christmas and his birthday were all about Paw Patrol and he currently has a fleet of Paw Patrol trucks in his room. It goes nicely with Jacob's garbage truck and firetruck fleets. They are a good pair.

It has been a lovely year with our Hao Hao! We are thankful we got the opportunity to be his family and thankful that we said yes to one more! It sounded crazy at the time...but it has been fun so far and we look forward to many more years of fun together. This crew keeps us smiling!

Tired Fear

Howie has a great smile and giggle!

Howie has been home for almost three months now, and he is doing amazingly well. He is doing so well, in fact, that it is easy to forget where he came from. He is smiley and happy. He plays wonderfully with his siblings, he loves to eat, he is healthy and energetic, and sometimes mischievous. As we move throughout our busy days, it is easy to forget the place where he spent the first three years of his life.

In the evenings though, we remember. At the sound of the word "bedtime", Howie runs to me and wraps his little arms tightly around my legs. When I pick him up, he presses his sweet cheek to my face, and wraps his arms around my neck and his legs around my waist. In his eyes is fear. It is the only time of day he shows it, but almost every night, I see it and remember the great losses he has faced and the fear he must have of losing again.  

We sing the same song every night as we say goodnight, and he sings it softly with me. I whisper that I will see him in the morning. Then, as he lays down in bed, he wraps his little arms around my hands so I won't leave. He looks up at me with this fearful look, that seems to say, "Will you still be here in the morning?" And, so, we sing another song or two and talk about all the people who love him and that our family is forever. Eventually he relaxes, and I know I can go when he lets go of my hands so he can put his thumb in his mouth and cuddle his bear. He is at peace again. 

I find lately that I relate deeply to my Howie. Our life is tumultuous right now. Tumultuous and busy. So busy. Everyday I hit the ground running and move constantly until everyone is asleep at night. An impending move, a husband who has already moved away, all the details to get squared away to get us out of Tampa and to Raleigh, and the hustle of keeping up with my six little loves and all the daily tasks of keeping them fed, clothed, clean, and happy combine to make one very busy momma. 

Then, there are a couple of hours between their bedtime and mine and the quiet allows for emotion that the busyness of the day does not. It is so easy to push fear and sadness aside during the day. But, as fatigue sets in and evening settles into night, I find all my anxiety and sadness and fear heighten. 

I find myself reciting the psalm, "In peace, I will both lie down and sleep, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." (Psalm 4:8). It has become what Howie's songs are for him: just a little routine to help me remember to relax, be at peace, my Lord will still be here in the morning, guiding me throughout the day and helping me shoulder the load when it gets to be too much.

Every morning, my bubbly boy runs to find me. He greets me with a hug and a huge smile. He is so happy to see me and is ready to start a new day of play and adventure. And this is what I hope to emulate in him. May I jump up and run to God every morning, happy He is here with me, and joyful to start a new day of adventure.  May I sleep in peace knowing He is in control and may I wake happy to be of service and blessed to enjoy this sweet life He has given me.

Orphans No More

This afternoon we took our group picture on the stairs of our hotel. When we came down to the lobby, I looked around at our group and my eyes teared up immediately. I looked around at all the families with their newest children and once more was overcome with the blessing that is adoption.

18 families gathered to take a photo today and in those 18 families are 19 children who are orphans no more. They now have a future full of endless possibility, and parents and siblings who will love them for the rest of their days.

18 families gathered today and because of those 19 children, the hearts of the parents and siblings will never be the same. Those sweet children will be a blessing to their families in countless ways and will add to the joy and love in their homes.

We have had the honor and privilege to watch these newest children with their families for the last two weeks. And, as I said when I was here with Laura, the change in these children in just under two weeks is unbelievable. Eyes that were vacant and empty now have light and laughter. Screams of fear and grief have turned to giggles with Mama and Daddy. All of the children still have needs, emotional and physical, to overcome. Of course not all is healed in just a few days. But, what has happened over these few days gives us excitement and hope for all that is to come. What a difference a family makes. It just changes everything.

We are so happy to have been doubly blessed by the miracle of adoption. I am glad to call these families friends and am again humbled and thankful to be here.

The middle of the run....

I lose motivation in the middle of my long runs. About half way through I start thinking things like, "I am never going to make it!" or "This was not such a good idea." or "What was I thinking?" But the thing about mid-run motivation issues is: it is really too late to turn back. There is nothing to do but press on. And then, anywhere from half a mile to a mile later, the motivation returns. I love running again. A fresh wave of energy courses through and I usually finish well...with some exceptions of course.

The end of the week in Zhengzhou found me in my mid-run motivation slump. I was missing my kids at home so much it hurt. Howie was still not bonding all that well with me (which is really hard by the way! My adult self remembers he has suffered a great loss...and comes from a very hard place...and a little time and space and room to grieve will make all the difference. But my selfish self wants to be loved in return.) Those last couple of days, followed by an extremely long day of stressful travel were my mid run slump.

Robert trying herbal tea. (Howie is sticking to water.) 

I woke up this morning (Happy Easter!) knowing only 5 more sleeps until we head into an even longer day of travel...but on the other end will be my precious children whose voices and faces I crave. I love China. I do love it. But it would be better with my babies here with me. Life is not complete without them.

And so...we are at the end of run, crazy motivated to finish well side of the trip. We had a great day today exploring Guangzhou and our new hotel. I got to catch up with a sweet guide who is just precious to me. I had a great time exploring a city I love with Robert, who missed it last time, and our newest baby who is getting healthier everyday.

Enjoying the hotel playground

Howie is doing well. He still loves his Daddy best of all, but he has fun with Mommy too. I am eager to get home to consult with a few doctors about some medical issues...but he seems to be developmentally right on target. He is all boy...runs, throws, jumps, builds, knocks down, makes a mess in the bath...everything a healthy 3 year old loves. He loves seeing his big brothers and little sisters on FaceTime. I can't wait to have them all together!

He loves Magformers as much as his siblings!